Aulds Bakery

Much like The Godfather Part II, the story of Aulds is about rise, and fall.

300 million years ago - the first life on planet Earth crawled out of the ocean.

1900 - Thomas Auld, flush with cash from inventing the colour Broon, opens the first Aulds Bakery.

2018 - The Aulds empire collapses as Big Davey Auld entrusts it to Japanese gimmick robot, ASIMO.

Handed down through three generations of family, Aulds Bakery was a key pillar of the Scottish high street - on-par with dog shit, and tramps. Famed for their tried and true "fuck it into pastry and see if it sells" approach to product creation, Aulds became one of the peak purveyors of stodge and carbohydrates in the country.

It wasn't until the dawn of the digital era, when Big Davey Auld ascended to the shortcrust throne, that things turned sour for the Aulds dynasty.

Aulds was unable to adapt in the 2010s, as its traditional customer base dwindled and died off year after year, and everybody else had heard of Greggs. Similarly, Aulds struggled with branding issues, as its digital platform consisted of whatever shite Davey Auld posted from his iPhone. It wasn't until the threat of being sued into oblivion by Universal Pictures that he stopped sharing Minions memes on the official Aulds Twitter page.

Implored to search for high tech solutions to their woes, Davey Auld finally decided that Aulds Bakery needed to step into the 21st century to avoid collapse.

A rebranding effort was made, briefly renaming Aulds into Youngs, replacing all broon with the much more modern brown, and mandating that Limp Bizkit's "Rolling" be played on in-store PA systems at all times. Davey Auld was still unsatisfied, however; feeling he hadn't gone far enough. He wanted to make customers truly feel like they were in the bakery of the future.

It was 20 minutes into ASIMO's first shift when he fell into the hot cupboard and ignited while placing a tray of chicken belters, starting a fire that would burn down the last remaining Aulds Bakery outlet. Beside himself, Davey Auld sat watching his family business turn to ash, as technicians from Honda quickly drew a privacy screen around the smouldering establishment.

Goodnight, sweet mince.

"Here's to you, Nicola and Bart Rest forever here in our hearts  The last and final moment is yours  That agony is your triumph"